A Path to Change Counseling

Why Timing is Everything When it Comes to Marriage Counseling

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Seeking help from a marriage counselor is not unlike seeking help from a mechanic. It makes little sense to take your car into the shop a month after it started making a horrific noise. By that time, too much damage may have been done and your engine may be beyond repair.

By the same token, the effectiveness of marriage counseling is directly related not only to the willingness and motivation of both parties to put in the effort, but also to the timing. The time to consider marriage counseling is not when one (or both) people have already thrown in the towel.

For instance, in some relationships, when one or both partners have already decided to end the marriage, they may use counseling as a “safe space” to drop the news on their spouse. This is obviously not the best timing to attempt counseling.

Sometimes issues are too ingrained and longstanding for counseling to be truly effective. If a couple has been building up resentment toward one another for five or more years before seeking help, it may be too late. While counseling is a wonderful way to help couples reconnect and heal, it is not a miracle cure.

When and How Marriage Counseling Can Help

It’s important that both individuals truly want the relationship to work. When both parties are willing to invest time and energy, marriage counseling can be the catalyst for real and lasting change.

It is also important that couples choose a therapist who’s a good fit. Both spouses must feel comfortable with the therapist for any progress to be made.

So, how exactly can marriage counseling help? In a number of ways:

  • Counselors help couples identify toxic behavioral patterns and give them tools to make adjustments.
  • Each partner can gain new insights and perspective into the relationship.
  • Tools help couples resolve conflicts with grace and respect so escalation can be avoided.
  • Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication.

If you and your spouse decide to try marriage counseling, here are some tips for success:

  • Take it seriously. Commit to the work and do it.
  • Be open. If you’ve chosen the right therapist, you should feel free and safe to discuss your true feelings and needs. Don’t hold back. In order for therapy to work, both people have to have the courage to be vulnerable.
  • Avoid the blame game. Each person must take responsibility for their part.
  • Be realistic about how long it will take before real change begins. While you can begin using tools immediately, healing won’t happen overnight.


If you and your partner are experiencing marital problems, don’t wait to get help. The sooner you do, the more likely your issues can be resolved. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

I AM A MAN, IS IT OKAY TO SHARE MY FEELINGS?

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The role of men has been portrayed from the early days of the caveman as the active hunter and protector of the family. Throughout history, the general portrayal of men was to be strong, and if he was feeling any emotional distress, he was expected to hold it in and “suck it up.” Boys growing up in the early 1960’s learned from their fathers not to show weakness or complain about how they were feeling. Without the opportunity to share the distress whether it was anger, depression, or any other mental health issue, holding it in increased substance use to dull the pain, family and work conflict, behavior issues, and higher rates of heart attacks, strokes, and suicide. The societal norm was an unconditional acceptance of women showing their emotions, yet men continued to search for their way to bury the pain deep inside.

Following the unwritten rule of silence for many years, the norm was soon to begin a metamorphosis. Throughout the twentieth century and present day, a great deal has changed to provide men information regarding the benefit of seeking help in therapy. While evidenced-based studies have been conducted, and a great deal of positive progress has been made in the field of Mental Health, a norm has begun to develop letting men know it is okay to ask for help. We now watch athletes, actors, and musicians step before the camera and share the internal struggles they have bared for many years as well as the benefit of reaching out for help. Target marketing for mental health services for men has become a healthier option to seek comfort rather than internalizing their distress.

On any given day at any time, we turn on the television, and we see male doctors speaking about mental health, substance abuse, marital conflict, physical health, erectile dysfunction, and other challenges. The internet has given us the opportunity to do our research in the privacy of our own home or office without being placed in the awkward situation where we must ask someone a question. For those men who do not want to enter an office, telehealth allows one to seek help without having to leave the comfort of their own home. Meeting face to face is still the best option, telehealth serves to benefit those client’s unable to reach a professional in a physical location.

As a therapist, observing the patient census increase with more men attending therapy and returning for additional sessions with the goal of finding positive coping skills and solutions to their problems. Having the honor of working with our Veteran’s and listening not only to the stories they share while they were in combat, but the struggle’s they encountered when returning home both emotionally and physically. Additionally, the fear of meeting with a therapist with the intention of letting their suppressed memories come alive again is scary to many, however, through support and self-discovery, the client can learn there are healthier coping skills that will improve their quality of life.

As men seek therapy for anger, anxiety, depression, stress, family and work problems, trauma, substance abuse, divorce, phobias, suicidal ideations, self-esteem, eating disorders, sexual performance, gender identity, LGBTQ issues and other life challenges, one of the first statements I hear from men entering their first session is “I never thought I would come to therapy”, and second is “I really need help.” It warms my heart when I share my response, “You are strong, and taking the first step to make an appointment is only the beginning of the journey.

The field of mental health is blessed with the dedication of men and women who provide services in many ways to clients. As the stressors in the world increase, as men, we need to remember that it is acceptable to say, “I need some help,” and asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength and perseverance.

Michael Gilman
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Certified Addictions Professional

Filed Under: Uncategorized

WHY DOES MY CHILD STRUGGLE WITH SOCIAL SKILLS?

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One of the significant questions in today’s society from parents are, why does my child seem socially disconnected? Could it be children and teenagers spend more time texting, spending time on social media, and playing video games? If you picked one or all three, you are correct. Asking a child or teenager to walk over to a friends home to see if they want to play, or asking them to go outside and enjoy the fresh air generate a look from them as if they are being asked to complete the most dangerous task in the world.

As a parent, why can’t I get my child to do something so simple, I did it when I was their age? As a therapist and a child of the 1970’s, I did not know anything different. The nostalgic times of coming home from school, eating a snack, going out to play with my neighborhood friends, and as soon as the street light came on that was the signal that it was time to go home, eat dinner, have family time, finish homework, and go to bed. On the weekends, forget about it, it was playing for twelve hours outside in the snow, the rain, the wooded areas, and using our imaginations by making fortresses out of wood, lawn chairs, and blankets and having the time of our lives. And yes, we did it all without cell phones and computers.

In the last few decades electronics have become the babysitter and the “electronic pacifier.” Based on the changing economy, parents are working multiple jobs just to pay rent and put food on the table. Parents are stressed and pressured to return after a long day of work and begin dinner, homework, and nightly routines. Our kids get into bed, and out come the electronics, and the customary call from the parents, “ shut it off, and go to bed.” The next morning, kids are oversleeping because of the night electronics, parents are yelling and screaming in fear of being late for work or the child missing school. Once everyone is out of the house, anxiety levels increase due to traffic as mom or dad has to get the kids to school on time and have their own fears of being late for work.
The question we ask is, has the use of electronics by our children, caused social impairment. Since the first cell phone that gave us the ability to text, and the first modem that allowed us to type an electronic email and send it, to the present day where the thought of a face to face conversation generates a level of anxiety that forces our children and adults to seclusion to the safety of anonymity and the opportunity to communicate our likes and dislikes on electronic devices. While bullying in school is at an epidemic level, the days of the one school bully as multiplied to many bullies on school campuses, and morphed into bullying on social media in the forms of text messages, photos, and memes that are driving our children to self-harm and suicide.

While there are multiple benefits to using electronics, what message are our children receiving from adults. The next time you are in a restaurant, look around, how many couples and families are all texting , watching videos, or checking in with an updated status. Kids are watching their parents and other adult drivers driving and texting, the danger that comes with that is another topic for discussion. While we all recognize the challenge of different life schedules, and more ways to avoid not only social connection but physical behaviors. Now we talk to machines to get them to start our dryers, cook our food, turn on the lights, and read stories to our children. We use our phones to order our food on line, have our groceries delivered to our homes, buy our clotheson line, maybe all that is left is we go to the bathroom, take a shower, and brush our teeth without our electronic devices taking that task over.

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What can we do to help our children increase their ability to function in this electronic world? Like any behavior modification, it takes commitment and planning. Here a few tips.

  • Tip#1:  Plan a few nights during the week the entire family eats a meal together, all phones get put into a shoebox or container in another room, and your have the opportunity to reconnect.
  • Tip#2:  If you are driving your kids to school, put the phones down, and talk about their upcoming day, and on the way home, discuss their day. Don’t forget to put your phone down while your are driving.
  • Tip#3: While in a restaurant, establish the rule that phones stay off the table. While planning is important, parents can always make a list of topics to discuss before hand.
  • Tip#4: Explain the benefits to your kids why it is important to have time to talk to one another as time moves quickly and before they know it there will be graduation, college, and other life events that the time together talking may become challenging.
  • Tip#5: Remember your phone is not a living organ in your body, you don’t need it to breathe. Take some time to be mindful and look around at the beautiful gifts in the world like tree’s, clouds, and other things that are right in front of us.

For more information please visit:  https://www.apathtochange.com

Article written by Michael Gilman, Licensed Mental Health Counselo

Filed Under: Uncategorized